It is not your fault.
I know, easier said than done, mama.
You see, I am you.
I blamed my body for not being able to carry to full term.
I blamed myself for all the things I feel I could’ve done differently.
I blamed myself for not calling our doctor sooner to ask the questions because I searched the internet instead.
I blamed myself for both of our boys being in the NICU.
I blamed myself for my incompetent cervix and preterm labor twice.
I blamed myself for losing our first born after three days in the NICU, always wondering what could’ve been done differently.
I blamed myself for not being with our boys 24/7 in the NICU because it was too hard on me emotionally.
I blamed myself for our second son getting RSV and fighting for his life, again.
I blamed myself for needing an emergency c-section.
I blamed myself for all of the things on our journey through the NICU and loss I wish I could have and should have done differently.
We will always wonder about these pieces of the past.
What I never wonder about is the love we have for both of our boys.
The indescribable love we hold for our children is what helps think past the blame.
We should not blame ourselves for things out of our control, the could haves and should haves, but what we can do is love - and that is more powerful than any other feeling.