Love. Grief. Anxiety. Fear. Exhaustion. Worry.
All while trying to find hope and experience joy.
This is pregnancy after loss.
The ignorant bliss of a normal pregnancy is gone.
You want to feel joy, and fear steps in the way.
You want to be excited, and the anxiety steps in the way of experiencing the excitement you once knew in pregnancy.
Every single day brought new challenges.
We were scared, beyond measure, to fall in love with the tiny human growing inside my belly.
We lived in survival mode, protecting ourselves from the fear of loss and all the things we now know can happen at any moment in a pregnancy or birth.
But is that fair? Is it fair to be different with and stay in the safe zone by trying to not fall in love with him?
No. Not at all. It is not fair to him.
So how do you see past the fear?
We may never… but is there a space to hold fear, grief and love in parallel?
I felt myself growing in new spaces the further we along I was, even though the same feelings remained.
I was in a constant state of anxiety, although able to find moments of joy.
Seeing and hearing his heart beat. Feeling the first movement.
Seeing my bump grow.
I loved being pregnant with our first.
I wanted to love being pregnant again.
Grieving the loss of your child doesn't just go away, it grows with you and evolves.
Just because parents are expecting or parenting after loss, doesn't mean they are grieving any less.
Grief and joy can co-exist.