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"He's Home"... Now Leaving, Again

Dan came home from his first day back to work, which was already a very tough day for him and for me, still home and the first full day without my partner, my rock.

Dan walked in the door and I said "I had no idea you were coming home already!" He didn't say anything. I got off the couch, he looked at me with a bag in his hand and said "Carter's home". I looked down to see the mortuary's name, he grabbed me so tight, and we just cried. "I'm sorry," he said, "I just couldn't bring him straight to the cemetery until he was buried."

He proceeded to walk upstairs, "where are you going?" I asked. "To take him to his room." My heart sank, again. Although I pictured his homecoming much different, I wanted nothing more than to be able to bring Carter home. I told a couple of people recently that I did not want his ashes in our house because I didn't think I could handle it. I am beyond thankful Dan did.

I dropped to my knees as I watched Dan put Carter in his nursery, the tears wouldn't stop. "Let's let him sleep", Dan said as he shut the blinds and closed the curtains.

All we wanted to do was bring Carter home. This is as close as we could get.


I wrote the above on February 11th, the day Carter was brought home. Now today, Dan let me know it's time to bring Carter to the cemetery to be buried before his memorial service we will have in the next couple of weeks.

We've known this day was coming, but now it is here. My heart emptied even more, I didn't know that was possible. I really struggled for some time this morning contemplating our original plans of burying Carter's ashes, because he has been "physically" here with us at home. I've been able to go in his nursery every morning and talk to him. If we bury him, it'll be different, but that's what we originally wanted. A place to go to visit him any time we want. My mind went in circles on what to do. I sat in Carter's room, sitting on the chair we bought for the nursery, holding him and contemplating what to do. I asked for peace in knowing these are his ashes - but he IS still here with us. Every day. We stood in our backyard with this beautiful wooden box our son is in… I prayed for Carter to just give me a sign so I can be at peace with our decision. The wind chimes we were give pictured here started to go crazy. It's happened a few times already, and I feel him here. I let that be my sign and the peace I needed to let Dan take him to be buried today.

This was the hardest thing we had to do since Carter passed, and I know the next will be his memorial service. As much pain and hurt we have at this moment, the only reason I can have some peace is knowing Carter is here with us, every day…

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